I think I've reached a point where I am totally confused and unsure of what do I want to do in my life? do I really want to do research my whole life? am I capable of doing it? I seem to contradict what I said earlier..
You see, the point is that I really, honestly, had an idealized view of the world when I wrote that. As I grow up, I come to discover my weaknesses, my "strength", what I really want and what I don't really want... I realize since last year, I don't have affinity for mathematics, I guess that I am not capable of doing it. After a series of bloody math modules and tronc commun, I decided that pure maths is not my thing. I just cannot get it out of head. Understanding is one thing, but using it to solve problem is really another thing. It seems that thinking systematically is really hard for me. That may explain why I tend to forget things especially when I have no interest it. But for me, a physics problem is different, you give me one, get me interested in it, then I'll start to wander around even without being asked to.
These few months, I feel that I get easily interested in things around me. take for instance, yesterday, I was in an Italian restaurant, I was sitting down, had nothing to do, I looked around and I found a standing heater and that was enough for me.
Firstly I was curious why there was a gap between the glowing part of the fence (cylinder form) that covered the fire. For me, that thing should not have happened if the fence was smooth (cannot find the exact word). How if the surface is not smooth at all, maybe instead of being a smooth it is curvy? but how could I know without approaching the standing heater? Of course I didn't want to waster my energy just to see whether it was curvy or not. So, I began to wonder, how could I determine whether the surface curvy just by observing the surface itself and its surrounding, trying to extract as much information as possible for example by observing the pattern of the fire. Then i realized that even it was curvy, it may not explain why the pattern existed in the first place. and so this reflection went on for quite some time.. in the end, my mind just wandered to something else and I totally forgot about it.
I have been thinking for a while, what makes physics and mathematics so different, in the sense that some mathematicians find that physics does not make sense (at all) or to term it in a better way, they cannot deal with those model, all those things, kirchoff, bla bla, ampere. The same for physicists, some of them (or maybe it's just me...an idiot...) find that it's really hard to think like a mathematician. You start with few axioms, then you can sit down and think. For me, I always think that a mathematician should be able to do physics problem since they are able to think systematically, follow the rules, then there you go. Some people are also capable of doing both really well. In the end, actually physics also has the same thinking system, as in, take for instance, quantum mechanics, it's inevitable for us, that we should at least start with a few postulate of quantum mechanics to solve a problem. These postulates are like axioms in mathematics also, but what makes each subject sometimes indecipherable to another (at least for me..)?
for me, the possible answer to this is just passion, and the level at which it works. frankly, the more I study physics and maths, the more I realized that I love doing physics. When it comes to maths (forgot to say, pure maths), it's just eugghhhhh......! Maybe it's my fault for not concentrating on doing maths when I was in NUS. I was too busy doing my research. But I wondered even if I had the time to do it, whether I will still love doing maths or not. For me, physics gives a result that I can see and imagine, I am allowed to do a lot of approximation, and sometimes I can reason things out just from few basic principles, for me all these are just parfaits! Moreover, you can find physics everywhere! Pure maths is just too abstract for me and I am unable to think at that level and of course the mathematicians will whack you if you do approximation! hahahaha....
But anyway, I realized that we are out of the topic...
I still enjoy the eureka moment very much. If I do theoretical physics, then I have to do plenty of maths (well, of course, depending on the subject itself, but me being unable to think abstractly makes me doubt if I can do theory), that's sure for me, I don't want to be a blind theoretician, of course! But I also want to have a good life, if possible a good family, so money is also the issue here. Being a theoretician, your future career is not certain. I have not tried experimental physics, so I shouldn't comment it here, but my previous encounter with experimental physics makes me doubt if I can be a good experimentalist!
So should I just leave physics? No, I shouldn't...I don't think I should do it, it will be the greatest mistake of my life because I still love doing it. I honestly want to try teaching because I find that teaching something to someone gives me satisfaction. But can I be a good teacher? I realized that I am not a good communicator, never good at language itself. Can I express myself to my students? Can I convey the beauty of it to my students as I have myself enjoy it? Can I impart that joy to my students? This one I am not sure.
But again, I don't have any reason other than that, still searching..
I think that my decision on this issue will be a fixed point in time, everything happens after will be determined by this decision... So, what should I do?
on sait jamais ce qui se passera...on sait jamais...on sait jamais...
You see, the point is that I really, honestly, had an idealized view of the world when I wrote that. As I grow up, I come to discover my weaknesses, my "strength", what I really want and what I don't really want... I realize since last year, I don't have affinity for mathematics, I guess that I am not capable of doing it. After a series of bloody math modules and tronc commun, I decided that pure maths is not my thing. I just cannot get it out of head. Understanding is one thing, but using it to solve problem is really another thing. It seems that thinking systematically is really hard for me. That may explain why I tend to forget things especially when I have no interest it. But for me, a physics problem is different, you give me one, get me interested in it, then I'll start to wander around even without being asked to.
These few months, I feel that I get easily interested in things around me. take for instance, yesterday, I was in an Italian restaurant, I was sitting down, had nothing to do, I looked around and I found a standing heater and that was enough for me.
Firstly I was curious why there was a gap between the glowing part of the fence (cylinder form) that covered the fire. For me, that thing should not have happened if the fence was smooth (cannot find the exact word). How if the surface is not smooth at all, maybe instead of being a smooth it is curvy? but how could I know without approaching the standing heater? Of course I didn't want to waster my energy just to see whether it was curvy or not. So, I began to wonder, how could I determine whether the surface curvy just by observing the surface itself and its surrounding, trying to extract as much information as possible for example by observing the pattern of the fire. Then i realized that even it was curvy, it may not explain why the pattern existed in the first place. and so this reflection went on for quite some time.. in the end, my mind just wandered to something else and I totally forgot about it.
I have been thinking for a while, what makes physics and mathematics so different, in the sense that some mathematicians find that physics does not make sense (at all) or to term it in a better way, they cannot deal with those model, all those things, kirchoff, bla bla, ampere. The same for physicists, some of them (or maybe it's just me...an idiot...) find that it's really hard to think like a mathematician. You start with few axioms, then you can sit down and think. For me, I always think that a mathematician should be able to do physics problem since they are able to think systematically, follow the rules, then there you go. Some people are also capable of doing both really well. In the end, actually physics also has the same thinking system, as in, take for instance, quantum mechanics, it's inevitable for us, that we should at least start with a few postulate of quantum mechanics to solve a problem. These postulates are like axioms in mathematics also, but what makes each subject sometimes indecipherable to another (at least for me..)?
for me, the possible answer to this is just passion, and the level at which it works. frankly, the more I study physics and maths, the more I realized that I love doing physics. When it comes to maths (forgot to say, pure maths), it's just eugghhhhh......! Maybe it's my fault for not concentrating on doing maths when I was in NUS. I was too busy doing my research. But I wondered even if I had the time to do it, whether I will still love doing maths or not. For me, physics gives a result that I can see and imagine, I am allowed to do a lot of approximation, and sometimes I can reason things out just from few basic principles, for me all these are just parfaits! Moreover, you can find physics everywhere! Pure maths is just too abstract for me and I am unable to think at that level and of course the mathematicians will whack you if you do approximation! hahahaha....
But anyway, I realized that we are out of the topic...
I still enjoy the eureka moment very much. If I do theoretical physics, then I have to do plenty of maths (well, of course, depending on the subject itself, but me being unable to think abstractly makes me doubt if I can do theory), that's sure for me, I don't want to be a blind theoretician, of course! But I also want to have a good life, if possible a good family, so money is also the issue here. Being a theoretician, your future career is not certain. I have not tried experimental physics, so I shouldn't comment it here, but my previous encounter with experimental physics makes me doubt if I can be a good experimentalist!
So should I just leave physics? No, I shouldn't...I don't think I should do it, it will be the greatest mistake of my life because I still love doing it. I honestly want to try teaching because I find that teaching something to someone gives me satisfaction. But can I be a good teacher? I realized that I am not a good communicator, never good at language itself. Can I express myself to my students? Can I convey the beauty of it to my students as I have myself enjoy it? Can I impart that joy to my students? This one I am not sure.
But again, I don't have any reason other than that, still searching..
I think that my decision on this issue will be a fixed point in time, everything happens after will be determined by this decision... So, what should I do?
on sait jamais ce qui se passera...on sait jamais...on sait jamais...
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